I”m not a great gardener although I love herbs and want a big vegetable garden someday. What we do grow at home is gophers and we are damned good gopher farmers. The cats help, they bring fresh gophers from other yards to help diversify the genetic stock. They catch the weaklings, making sure that only the strongest, wiliest gophers survive.
Once I watched Sally and Sophie escort a gopher across the back patio. It was huge and it marched right across a 30 foot concrete patio with two cats trailing behind. Every so often, it would turn around and HISS loudly at the cats. That gopher had big teeth and looks really mean. Once it reached the other side, it dove into the lawn and immediately dug a hole into the ground, disappearing. The cats just watched. I would like to think Emily would have done better, but maybe not.
Anyway, the dog would have been better at disciplining that gopher, keeping it in the right field. She also helps dig up the ground, making it softer for those gophers. Bob waters the land, also making it the right digging consistency. And me, I buy only the best plants and flowers for gopher feeding. Once at the plant store I was told that marigolds are great, gophers never eat them. WRONG. I watched the plants disappear into the ground one after another. And lets not talk about feeding them ornamental poppies. These are kind of ugly plants that produce a huge bloom. Just before the bud turns into the blooms, those gophers will drag the entire plant underground and eat it all. We’ve fed the gophers jasmine, numerous herbs and flowers, grasses, and even trees.
And it shows how well we take care of our gophers. Almost every morning there is another mound in the yard. And at least once a week, emily brings us a sample of the stock; leaving it in the house for our delight. Some days she gets over enthusiastic and brings us two of them. Usually dead. Everyone agrees we have the biggest, ugliest looking gophers around.
So what to do with them. If you have squeemish stomach, stop reading. It’s not pretty what one can do with farmed gophers. Gopher on a stick anyone? How about a gopher coat. We can probably get a 3″ x 3″ square from each gopher. If you assume a gopher coat has the dimensions of 42″ around by 24″ high and then double that for the sleeves, you get a piece of cloth 14 x 8 x squares. Add a row for seams and lapels, you end up with 30 squares by 8 squares or 240 gopher pelts. Tails, heads, and feet are extra on the coat. But if you want, we can add some decorative beads at the end of each tail. Wonder if anyone would buy it? We probably have enough gophers for at least one coat.
Puppy Tales 